Due Date

I am 40 weeks today. My baby was due to say hello on this day, the 20th November, alas he wants to arrive fashionably late, like his mother Grrr.

I am becoming a nervous wreck not knowing when he is going to arrive, especially since it appeared to everyone he was going to come early [His head has been engaged from 31 weeks, ow].

The tenuous sporadic early labour signs throw me into a belief he is coming that day/night I am finding it hard to ignore my body as I keep analysing it.

Also as the day gets closer I have had a few hormonal doubting moments, sort of like muted prolonged panic attacks, wondering if I have made the right choice, etc.

The thing that makes the wait more annoying, I am mindful that these worries and aliments will dissipate on his arrival, but thats then I am here, now. Painful, bored, anxious, now...

Fed up. A week to go....

I want my body back.
I want my boobs back.
I want to be able to put my own knickers on without falling over.
I want the metallic taste in my mouth to disappear.
Most of all I want to meet my son.

I don't know what I hate more the feeling my ribcage is being pulled apart
or the fact its much harder to breathe.

Seven days have never felt so much like an eternity before...

10 positives about my pregnancy

Enough with the maternity moans! Below is a list of reasons to why I should like my pregnancy, rather than wishing for its inevitable end. This pregnancy has been rather tough, to be honest I hated the first and third trimester so much, those reasons alone would make me think twice about doing it again.
But heres a bunch of reasons that in a few weeks time, I may come to miss it.

1 - I get to interior design shop, a lot. No questions asked! ...Junk shops, Ikea, Habitat, no one can hold me back!

2 - It makes me think of the 'larger picture', rather than just my own needs. Helps me to put my existence in perspective

3 - Rowdy men on the street leave you alone, no wolf whistles or strange comments, sometimes they will be surprisingly respectful to you, holding doors open, etc.

4 - Because I have had severe nausea throughout this pregnancy my partner cooks every night, he has now become really good at cooking whereas before I couldn't trust him with a microwave.

5 - I did not suffer from stretchmarks nor did I get a Linea Alba, which I don't really like the look of. (some women do, I don't)

6 - Always having an unquestionable reason to get out of social arrangements if needed.

7 - Random chats with nostalgic middle age women about pregnancy in the supermarket.

8 - I have spent a lot of time reconnecting with my own Mother.

9 - My relationship has got much better, we communicate more efficiently, hardly argue and take things on the chin a lot more, again pregnancy has a way of making light of things which may have really knocked you down before.

10 - Sex is more intense when pregnant! It feels incredible!

[Picture left Die Hoffnung by Gustav Klimt (1903)]

Maternity clothing mayhem (belated post)

The majority of maternity clothing is far from exciting, my friend recently described the high street choices as 'dull casual office wear'. There seems to be a gap in the maternity clothing market, it is either elaborate party wear or plain functional work wear, in most cases they are usually both extremely overpriced.
Besides being absurdly expensive I find maternity clothing sizes to be quite unpredictable. I purchased a body con skirt, size 8/10 from Moda Mothercare and even in my 6 month bump it was 3 times too big. I am over 8 months now and it is still just too big... 'body-con' my bum!

Below are a few pointers that may help both women on a budget or women just wanting something with a bit more flair.

1- First port of call, and most obvious place would be eBay, type in 'maternity lot', or 'maternity bundle'. I grabbed some ace bargains that way! I managed to get a bag of 20 pieces most of which were all in season, it came to about £4! The were based far away and refused to post so I asked my Mother to pick up the bag for me as she lived near by to the seller. Most of the items are lush and I still haven't had chance to wear all of them as of yet!
Another trick is to sell items you may not deem as 'mothery material', or items of which need to go to make space for all the baby stuff, trade in for some staple maternity classics.

2- ASOS has a clearance section which can offer some neat bargains. Maternity or not!

3- Most vintage clothes have high waist/empire seams, great to wear above the bump, watch out with vintage sizing though, us ladies were a bit more petite those many moons ago!

4- Most 'maternity' items are not maternity specific, its mainly items sold as comfort wear, you see a lot of Waterfall cardigans for instance, with a massive mark up because they happen to have 'maternity' labelled onto them. The same is to be said of the high street maxi dress as the in trend maxi seems to be made of out jersey material, but the maternity ones are sold for a premium price.

5- Jersey! It's cropped up already, anything cottony and stretchy will probably be your lifesaver over the next few months, not those designer maternity jeans! (-speaking of which every pair I have purchased have caused me massive discomfort around the bottom of my bump when sat down... I despise the things!)

6 - American apparel, they are quite unique in that their ranges sell in both maternity and non maternity ranges. Their maternity section is a collection of products that accommodate to both. Try to bear this in mind when looking at the price tag, though as admittidly, the prices are a wee bit steep... I purchased a body-con pencil skirt at the start of my second trimseter, I have been wearing it through out my pregnancy without any hassle, because of the density and nature of the fabrics they use in the body-con items meant that my ever growing bump was always left supported, it has been my staple piece of clothing ever since I nabbed it. It supports me and looks great, I will rocking this skirt pre and post natal.

7- Speaking of investments, there are certain things on the market I would reccomend that may deem a bit pricey such as the above, but items do what they are supposed to. The Mama Spanx tights for instance offer great support aswell as lasting that bit longer than regular tights. I have tried other highstreet maternity tights and they just don't cut it, buying these to begin with may actually save you some pennies.

8- Most of your clothes can be revised to fit around your ever changing figure, there are lots of great guides online. DIY Maternity has a great range of projects suiting to advance to novice sewers!

9- The empire strikes back! Well no, not really, but one trick I love is typing in empire into eBay/wherever and finding empire seamed clothing which can be worn as maternity wear without the insane price tag

10- Many people forgo this item, diving in for nursing bras or larger bras, but a good maternity bra will save you from discomfort and not to mention potential stretchmarks. My boobs feel great!

Getting my maternity kit off...

So, a friend of mine needed a preggo to bare (not really) all for his upcoming video installation. At first I didn't want to do it, but didn't want to let anyone down. I tried to re-write my parts where my chest would be covered with a newborn, un-surprisingly we had problems getting hold of one.

Looking back at the day I suppose I felt more funny about being partially naked in front of my friend, I also felt odd that by getting my kit off when pregnant would misrepresent my usual shape. The day came closer and closer then on the day I just took a deep breath whipped my top and bra off and got on with it. - the tension dropped and not after long I felt fine.

Looking back on the photographs (which I asked to be taken) I was slightly proud I had overcome being so wilful and just got on with it, not to mention I didn't appear to look like the Jabba-the-Hutt freak that I was convinced I would. Also, after the pregnancy, looking back at this time in years to come, I can see how I carried my first born. (Not to mention being a part of a pretty unique art-piece!). Just as well it is being exhibited in lands far away, I would probably feel much different if my friends were to see it!

I definitely suggest doing something similar, this has made me consider making a video of the birth or from the day of arrival so I can remember all of this, the negatives make me forget how happy I am to be carrying. Also, on speaking to other Mothers about this they recall the final stages/labour as cloudy, it seems to upset them that everyone sees their experience from a better view of which they did.

I don't know, maybe i'm going maaaaaaad.

A 'Mothery' Moan...

Today I picked up my Mum-to-be essential pack from Bounty. I wasn't too happy with its contents.

The items that are 'for Mum' all had connotations which I thought were a bit off... The pack came with nipple pads... okay, they will come in useful... laundry tablets, I suppose there will be a lot of dirty clothes... Hmm... a can of diet coke with a voucher exclusively for another diet coke. Then pow! -a pamphlet on life insurance!? So, the general consensus is that when I have my little one I will turn into a leaky, fat, housemaid who should start planning their death... Charming!

I was hoping for some samples of baby lotion, advice on healthy eating, happier sort of stuff, the odd promotion-rubbish, but generally I hoped things like this would be a celebration of mum finally meeting baby. There was a pack within the pack for the baby which came from Pampers which will come in useful, wipes and newborn nappies, that sort of thing... But still, it's called a 'Mum-to-be' pack.

The reason to why I am writing this up on here, is that I usually find that pregnant women do have things mentioned and said to them in passing which wouldn't when not pregnant, it would be seen as rude and unseemly. Not to mention these packs are handed out within NHS hospitals (also Sainsburys and Boots). We should be encouraging women to relax with their bodyshape during this time, altered or not. We should be encouraging women to apply a new routine with their child which does not include just cleaning and weight loss. Also, what about the men? The men could benefit from nappy rash cream too! - they will have to learn at some point so why are these packs and vouchers pushed out to the women.

This slightly relates to why I started this blog in the first place, as I read pregnancy magazines I found them more and more pushy. When writing up my baby shopping lists I found it difficult to differentiate between things I needed and things that they told me I needed. As a first time Mum how can I ever be sure? With these messages how can I feel relaxed or prepared? My answer; stop reading those magazines and talk to women who have done it, speak to anyone in the hospital who will listen or seems enthusiastic about babies (this is not at all difficult to find on an antenatal ward!).

Pregnancy magazines/documentaries/stories usually centre around two things shock and/or aspirational living: 'Look at this poor woman!' or 'Look at this rich woman living it up!'. I would like to see some articles becoming somewhat more humble. I recently saw a documentary on (BBC3 of all places) called 'Cherry is having a baby', it was patronising and a bit rubbish but it interviewed all different types of women from different backgrounds and it made for an interesting narrative. The women who had more in the way of money/career had massive concerns over their body image and changes of lifestyle, whereas younger parents/single mums would remain headstrong and would be very much open to the idea of change. There is a dialogue to be had that would be more interesting to have amongst new mothers and fathers. New found parenthood is tough on everyone, let's not make it worse by singling out women who are already vulnerable to commercial ads.

In any case, I am going off on one. With this I will finish.

27 weeks! Update!

I am 27 weeks! Not long to go now, this feels all the more real considering David Cameron had his baba today, me and his wife fell pregnant around the same time, so it is a little scary! - Horrifying Torie babies aside I shall update you on the pregnancy niggle front: the 'morning' sickness has pretty gone just gone, or has actually been left to just the morning, thank goodness. I now waddle rather than walk, and I eat all of the time.
Cravings are kicking in now, albeit them ever changing ones. The longest cravings I have had have been Spaghetti hoops and Aeros, not together, I don't really have any exciting stories on that front really. I usualy just prefer really starchy foods like potatos and bananas and insanely fruity drinks. Nothing really exciting like coal i'm afraid - unlike my friend who had a severe craving for bubble bath foam!
Regarding the hoops and chocolate, not sure what defiency that could be highlighting, if any... maybe its that I don't eat enough junk food and my baby is giving me a helping hand.
CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING.

I had a scan last week where they told me I had a lot of placenta, meaning baby is getting a big ol' connection to my blood supply, this has been said in the same fortnight where had had t come in and out of hospital for collapsing. It isn't regular pregnancy fainting spells, either, I lose my vision, get a fever and pass out followed by violently throwing up - We have been in and out of different health services trying to find out the answers but thus far Doctors seem to think I have bad anaemia brought on or exasperpated by the pregnancy. M blood levels were low at the start but it goes to show its got to the point where baby is literally sucking ALL OF MY blood. Cheeky bugger! Thankfully though, everything is fine on the baby front, all tests on the baby have come back more than positive and he is kicking me now, more than ever. [Sigh]

We have had it also confirmed I am in fact having a boy! - something I always had a feeling I would, but now I can stop panicking about all those baby boy clothes and toys impulsivly purchased.
This news has brought on slight anxieties though, I am worried about raising a boy, I know where I am with a girl, but what if my little boy turns into a macho woman hating man, or worse, ANOTHER GAMER? (like his Father) - I don't think I can take another nerd in the house!
How do I keep the balance between keeping an open mind and remaining vigilant with my own views? I am probably getting really ahead of myself, these things, they have a habit of just buzzing around my head at night. It's all just a part of a bigger problem, that I am getting nervous about actually becoming 'a Mother', being responsible for a person and as well as a unit, being a role model, and entertaining another little soul's imagnation till he becomes an independent person...

BUT I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE YET. ARG.

On Sunday I have my baby shower, we are having a Mexican theme, as one of my many cravings have been burritos, this hits two nasty birds with one stone, this way the men can make ridiculously hotwraps and smoke cuban cigars whilst the women get on talking about the horrors of childbirth. Hooray.

T-minus 100 days!

We're due our bundle of joy in 100 days, these are the things still left to do (I will highlight items as they become completed):

1 - Have the baby shower. [COMPLETED]
2 - Write up my birth plan.
3 - Complete house hunt. [COMPLETED]
4 - Have the frightening meet up with partner's mother and discuss parenthood [COMPLETED]
5 - Go to Antenatal classes. [COMPLETED]
6 - Go to Aquanatal classes. [HAVE HAD PHYSICAL PROBLEMS PREVENTING ME FROM DOING THIS]
7 - Learn how to knit (don't just learn how to cast-on then give up).
8 - Sell all the clothes I will no longer be able to fit it/not appropriate for 'motherhood' on eGay. [ONGOING]
9 - Make labour mix tape. It will probably include lots of Brian Eno and none of my partners love for Thin Lizzy.
10 - Agree on a girl's name, just in case it isn't in fact a boy. [COMPLETED]
11 - Move into new place. [ONGOING]
12 - Decorate nursery.
13 - Make plushy toy for child.
14 - Sew a personalised blanket for chid.
14 - Do all that PC muscle stuff. [ONGOING]
15 - Learn how to use and assemble travel system. [COMPLETED]
16 - Have a meeting with midwife over breastfeeding/going back to work. [COMPLETED]
17 - Learn all that crap about sterilisers/powders/warmers, etc. [COMPLETED]
18 - Buy a cot. [COMPLETED]
19 - Apply for maternity grant. [COMPLETED]
20 - Stop worrying!! [ARRGH]

City-life and strife.

During my small time having a visible baby bump, I have noted that the majority of men about town are very sweet to me. If not even a little too cautious when interacting publicly, around town, etc.
They become hyper-aware of their and your personal space, kindly open doors, and usually offer a shy smile. Sometimes the offer of a bus seat or park bench.
Women on the other hand, have not been so nice to me; I tend to get a lot of looks or cold stares when in crowded situations. Many push and walk into me whilst I waddle my way through the supermarket. I do not think this is anything to do with women being 'unkind' or judgemental, and the older the women tend to not do it all. I just think society has told women the woes of having a child young so many times that they automatically judge others.
Women cannot help but wonder how it would affect their life, whilst making smaller judgements about other young women. (I suppose it doesn't help matters that I look younger than I am, in any case, in an ideal world such things should not matter.)
I know that I, myself, have fallen guilty of this too. When browsing Facebook I find myself thinking 'She's 19 weeks pregnant,? ...but she can barely spell the word!'. - This I am not proud of. I should not judge others on choices or even mistakes, especially when I am apart from their existence. Now, because of this, I do not take this issue with the people who have made me feel uncomfortable personally, nor do I hold any sort of grudge. I just honestly didn't see this coming. I knew there would be a few, but even without the cold stares there is the issue of careless invasion of space and potentially making me fall over, maybe even cry if I am in one of my moods!

Expecting a knowing smile I instead, have received cigarettes blown into face and not being able to walk at a slower pace without being knocked into.
However, there have been some inspirational women who have come out of nowhere, (usually when I walk alone, without my partner) who have given me advice on childbirth, pain relief, stretch marks and even how to bathe toddlers! - Such things offer a spring in my step, even if it is advice I see as unhelpful, it just makes me happy that there is this perpetual exchange between those who are about to embark on or have completed the initial stages of motherhood.

Continuing on in the same vein, I have heard whispers from acquaintances (not what I'd call friends) like 'I don't think she should be having a child yet', and 'How is she going to finish university?'.
Now, to question with concern is a fine thing to do, but idle gossip is something I have always found difficult not to challenge. Especially when it is again based on perceptions we have on other people's lives and personalities.

Lets be honest, there is never a 'good' time to have a child. There is never a good time to take a year out of what we normally do. When comparing my life to others sometimes I wonder if I am in a good situation as I have no freelancing commitments to hold down, and other such grey area jobs that would not qualify for maternity leave/pay.
We can make improvements on our life before becoming a parent, but even in that case who is say that, that current existence is enough. I suppose the main issue in other peoples' eyes is whether they perceive the Mother as being 'mature enough' to be a reasonable parent/role model. Again, no-one can really gage this, unless it is completely obvious that the individual is in such a state that she'd cause harm to her child. Obviously, I am not in this position. In fact, I am in a wonderful considerate relationship, one where we have often spent afternoons blabbering about rearing children and so forth. Also, if I were to be in a un-desirable situation, who is to say my partner would not take the brunt of responsibilities.

A lot of thoughts surrounding this topic, but if you were to take one thing away from this post, please just give the pregnant women free rein in the supermarket, the lighting and the sheer amount of busy people in there do funny things to me in my current state, also if you don't get out of my way, you run the risk of getting puked on.

15 weeks update!

So, 15 weeks and 3 days have passed.
I have just got back from the hospital filling all my forms, ticking numerous boxes and giving out samples of different fluids. It's all very exciting, not to mention I can, for once have a night off without thinking the worst.

At around 13 weeks my hyperemesis started to fade and it has been getting better (slowly but surely) day by day. Some other symptoms have started to become a bit of a pain though, for instance I keep fainting, especially in shops/supermarkets. And as I have previously mentioned without an obvious bump people treat you differently, for instance the last time I fainted the security guard assumed it was because I had been drinking (it was a hot day and everyone was picnicing and that sort of thing). He radioed for an ambulance and another guard from the Arndale precinct, causing a massive scene in front of all the people at the checkout. Very embarrassing. Took me a while just to explain to the poor fellow that this happened frequently to pregnant women (and that no, I was not drunk).

Headaches! Migraines! Mood swings! Three things I do not need more of in my life, but hey, it's better than throwing up 99% of the time. I find a dark quiet room and a 20 minute lie-down can cure a lot of aliments. Just as well really as I won't be taking any over the counter medication for a long while!

Richard/boyfriend/partner/'the other one' has become a lot more excited now he has seen the baby move, I do think men usually need to see it to believe it. Saying that, I know there's a thing growing inside me as I am the one peeing 5 times a night and throwing up my favourite meals!
We're making scary 'life plans' telling parents and generally being really proactive. This is great as my sickness/fatigue is starting to fade just as the sunshine is coming out.

Things feel much more positive.