Bringing babby home.

It has been nearly eight weeks since our lives dramatically changed. Seven weeks and three days since the Big E came into town...

Since time goes on I seem to cope better with having a newborn, but, I also seem to be remembering all the other things I have to do, so, by each day my list gets bigger and bigger, not necessarily easier. During this time I have since gone back to University, being in my final year of study I am incredibly stressed and to be honest not a lot of fun to be living with! Regardless of all of this, I am feeling really happy! Our house move has fallen through, my student loan is yet to be processed, I have no time to eat more than one meal a day. But... Hey! I THINK THE CHILD JUST SMILED AT ME.

As time as gone on we have become very relaxed with childcare, no longer freaking out every time he cries, no longer staring over his crib making sure he is okay. Now Richard shoots up alien terrorists (or whatever) with one arm whilst the other holds a snoring child, I no longer panic when he throws up his dinner, we allow a few minutes to pass the hour of which we should re-sterilise his 'bot-bot', And so on...
I now understand how manipulative Mother nature is, babies shriek so one mildly panics, so they know to be alert and tend to the child's needs. It is all just an evolutionary ploy.

These things have come intuitively, it's strange really when looking back at his first night home I was a complete emotional wreck. I recall Richard trying to work the steriliser equipment and make up a formula whilst I cradled a crying child to my chest just thinking 'omg hurry up. please god hurry up, omg what do I do... please hurry up ARGHHH'. By the tenth mimute into the wait I started crying myself. I became over-run by guilt, it felt like because I couldn't get his food to him THAT second I was a redundant Mother. I felt almost, despicable. Now everything has healed, my stitches, and my jittery nerves! I am getting into the swing of things now, knowing to make batches of formula as and when, before he cries. Instinctively knowing wh cry means what... Currently childcare seems to get easier as time goes on. However, I am sure we're approaching the time where that will no longer be true, but by the looks of things it is going to be so much rewarding.

Elliott is now ooohing and ahhhing, reacting to his Mother oddly dancing at him and the sounds his toys make. And now, even when he complains or cries, they seem to forumulate a pattern giving us a better idea of what he is trying to communicate. I fear I am wishing a part of his life away sometimes, but I really just can't wait till he starts talking to me! It's going to be SO amazing.

Belated birth story

I went into labour 6 weeks ago today! And here's the story.

The four weeks or so before I went into labour all the signs were telling me I was able to pop. All my labour signs came and went, they became more like annoying symptoms of a bizarre illness. I never had anything like false labour and I didn't get contractions that were continuous, I had the odd one before bed, going no-where else. two days before I went into labour I leaked fluid, we went into hospital to be sent home, they told me it was probably stressed incontinence, this annoyed me, because a) I knew it wasn't, b) I didn't like the idea I had been told I basically peed myself in front of my partner. Going home feeling a bit fed up, I gave up entirely on the idea that I was ever going to go into labour, it felt like I had never been pregnant and I was just ill, fat and ill.

Two days later feeling fit to burst, exhausted, grumpy and very 'overdue', I went back to bed, taking a sneaky 1pm nap. Half asleep I rolled over and something felt like it had given away from inside and warm clear water spilled around my knees, it wouldn't stop. I yelled for my partner who came rushing up, and nervously muttered 'my waters have broken', he responded in kind 'Oh, okay then'.

There is something to be said about being overdue, you become aware of every sensation and notice every minor feeling, thinking that is going to lead to the eventual delivery. At this point me and my partner had given up on 'going naturally', I was to be induced 2 or so days from this day. It was a very surreal and yet calm experience going in to the hospital. We both blushed and stepped over each-other whilst over packing our hospital bags. We both told each other it wasn't the 'real thing' and we should be ready to be sent home; it felt like this baby was never going to show itself.


We went to hospital and nothing much in the way of contractions were taking place, the hospital staff examined me and told me my backwaters had broken (which I had never of frickin' heard of) and not my 'normal waters'. I explained I was in there 2 days before as I thought I had been leaking amniotic fluid, turns out I was right and they were initially wrong to send me home.
At this point I was 2-3cm dilated but the 'contractions' started coming on, and as they were busy they thought it was best just to put me on a midwifery delivery unit right away. There I started to get lots of pain, even at this point I didn't know that what I was experiencing was in fact contractions it just felt like an ungodly pain. There was no throbbing, or contraction going on, just all over back pain, it felt like the bones in my spine were being crushed.


On the midwifery unit I was given gas and air, and boy did I love it. I even recall sitting back and asking Richard what the big fuss of labour was about. With this stuff, I was wonderwoman! Oh, how how wrong I was... The nurses offered me a bath, so me and Richard went in there, as soon as I got comfy the contractions started getting stronger, they kicked and moved me in a way you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, then I literally cried out for Pethidine. - I didn't like it much, it took the edge off but my eyes were rolling around in the back of my head. I couldn't focus on what I was doing, couldn't concentrate on the task at hand. I felt similar to when you are overtired and on your way to being 'overdrunk', cross-eyed, dizzy and not having such a good time. I tried going with just the gas and air but it didn't seem to be working any more, at the end of my tether, I accused the nurse of disconnecting the gas from the gas and air supply.My partner tried to console me, I felt bad that it didn't work.

As I opted for pain relief I was taken on to a long stay ward, there, I started screaming for an Epidural. Now, with every contraction I screamed and turned onto my stomach, on all fours. For some reason I literally couldn't bare the pain any other way. It felt like nothing in my life has before and I was close to passing out if not in this position. Turns out, the reason behind all of this was that the baby's, (or rather Elliott's) head was stuck on my spine, it wouldn't budge. I wanted to push with contractions but they wouldn't let me this went on for in total 20 hours from when we went into the hospital. The space between the pethidine wearing off and the epidural being administered was the worst time of my life, up to date but will probably shall forever be. Thinking about it makes me unlikely to have children again. It makes me cringe and cross my legs writing about it.

I was taken to yet, another ward, as the epidural did its thang, there I was lucid, calm, still, making jokes and to be honest, a bit bored. Lots of people came in and checked my lady regions, I soon became accustomed to being poked and prodded. Labour beame all of a sudden very easy.

It wasn't until later I was told that there was evidence to suggest Elliott was becoming distressed, there were fears he wasn't getting enough oxygen. The consultant rushed in, there spending a lot of time with me and the staff, there she scratched the top of Elliott's head to check the oxygen levels in his blood. I was soon ordered to push. Because of the awkward positioning the pushing wasn't working, I was rushed into theatre and there I was numbed for the last time. They said if it didn't work this time I would have to do one the one thing I didn't want and have a C-section.

The staff in the theatre made quips at one another, involving me all the way, I tried to ignore the forceps, they were the most terrifying thing I had seen,, never mind pointed towards my ladyparts! They made a large cut and I lost a lot of blood. I haemorrhaged in fact, these things I only found out afterwards as I physically couldn't feel much from the belly button down. And at this point none of it mattered.

All I really take from that day was seeing what seemed like a million pairs of hands whirling this small lump towards me, his wondering eyes were like shiny pennies; they pierced through numerous gangly limbs. They passed him over, it seemed to take for hours, all I could say was 'Oh my god, oh my god... Oh, my god'. He was placed on my chest and I turned to my partner and tried to conjure up something different to say 'we finally did it' soon came out.


Going through labour has been the strangest most surreal thing to happen to me, I would like to say that it feels natural, but it hasn't. From the moment Elliotts warm head was plomped onto me I have been in a state of shock, my head was forced up into the clouds. I can't get my head around that my partner and I 'made' someone.

Richard, the other half, says it feels strange to him that we have 'named' someone, and that people already come with a name, an introduction. But with him that hasn't happened, we are making choices for him. I find that terrifying, and 6 weeks on not much has changed from that.

I hope I am good enough, I worry every day and night I won't be, I am in a constant state of numbed panic and alert. But I guess that's an evolutionary tool or something, with every cry comes a trigger, a thought that I am not cut out for this. In in the initial stages of motherhood I thought this would pass, it hasn't, I just worry about his future more rather than the present.


My heart goes out to single mothers/fathers, I have no idea how they do it. Hats off to them! Without my Richard I would be a tiresome nervous wreck, he has taken to fatherhood like a duck to water, in fact I am rather jealous! He has helped me to be less hard on myself, its tough to take motherhood calmly when the whole world tells you not to. If I were to give out advice to parents to be, it would be to take one day at a time, set your own pace, and as my partner says to me frequently, you aren't doing anything wrong! This is just completely new, enjoy it!

Elliott Ian Madigan was born at 10:43 on 27th, November, 2010. Weighed at 7.9 Lbs.

Due Date

I am 40 weeks today. My baby was due to say hello on this day, the 20th November, alas he wants to arrive fashionably late, like his mother Grrr.

I am becoming a nervous wreck not knowing when he is going to arrive, especially since it appeared to everyone he was going to come early [His head has been engaged from 31 weeks, ow].

The tenuous sporadic early labour signs throw me into a belief he is coming that day/night I am finding it hard to ignore my body as I keep analysing it.

Also as the day gets closer I have had a few hormonal doubting moments, sort of like muted prolonged panic attacks, wondering if I have made the right choice, etc.

The thing that makes the wait more annoying, I am mindful that these worries and aliments will dissipate on his arrival, but thats then I am here, now. Painful, bored, anxious, now...

10 positives about my pregnancy

Enough with the maternity moans! Below is a list of reasons to why I should like my pregnancy, rather than wishing for its inevitable end. This pregnancy has been rather tough, to be honest I hated the first and third trimester so much, those reasons alone would make me think twice about doing it again.
But heres a bunch of reasons that in a few weeks time, I may come to miss it.

1 - I get to interior design shop, a lot. No questions asked! ...Junk shops, Ikea, Habitat, no one can hold me back!

2 - It makes me think of the 'larger picture', rather than just my own needs. Helps me to put my existence in perspective

3 - Rowdy men on the street leave you alone, no wolf whistles or strange comments, sometimes they will be surprisingly respectful to you, holding doors open, etc.

4 - Because I have had severe nausea throughout this pregnancy my partner cooks every night, he has now become really good at cooking whereas before I couldn't trust him with a microwave.

5 - I did not suffer from stretchmarks nor did I get a Linea Alba, which I don't really like the look of. (some women do, I don't)

6 - Always having an unquestionable reason to get out of social arrangements if needed.

7 - Random chats with nostalgic middle age women about pregnancy in the supermarket.

8 - I have spent a lot of time reconnecting with my own Mother.

9 - My relationship has got much better, we communicate more efficiently, hardly argue and take things on the chin a lot more, again pregnancy has a way of making light of things which may have really knocked you down before.

10 - Sex is more intense when pregnant! It feels incredible!

[Picture left Die Hoffnung by Gustav Klimt (1903)]

Showing off: Children's artwork jewellery.

twochickstoo at Etsy has made this lovely way of capturing and not to mention showing off your little un's artwork.

You scan a copy over to her or send the orginal to her house after paying and by 10 days your kiddie's work will be forever cherished in one of these resin cameo pendants. Love it.

Getting my maternity kit off...

So, a friend of mine needed a preggo to bare (not really) all for his upcoming video installation. At first I didn't want to do it, but didn't want to let anyone down. I tried to re-write my parts where my chest would be covered with a newborn, un-surprisingly we had problems getting hold of one.

Looking back at the day I suppose I felt more funny about being partially naked in front of my friend, I also felt odd that by getting my kit off when pregnant would misrepresent my usual shape. The day came closer and closer then on the day I just took a deep breath whipped my top and bra off and got on with it. - the tension dropped and not after long I felt fine.

Looking back on the photographs (which I asked to be taken) I was slightly proud I had overcome being so wilful and just got on with it, not to mention I didn't appear to look like the Jabba-the-Hutt freak that I was convinced I would. Also, after the pregnancy, looking back at this time in years to come, I can see how I carried my first born. (Not to mention being a part of a pretty unique art-piece!). Just as well it is being exhibited in lands far away, I would probably feel much different if my friends were to see it!

I definitely suggest doing something similar, this has made me consider making a video of the birth or from the day of arrival so I can remember all of this, the negatives make me forget how happy I am to be carrying. Also, on speaking to other Mothers about this they recall the final stages/labour as cloudy, it seems to upset them that everyone sees their experience from a better view of which they did.

I don't know, maybe i'm going maaaaaaad.

A 'Mothery' Moan...

Today I picked up my Mum-to-be essential pack from Bounty. I wasn't too happy with its contents.

The items that are 'for Mum' all had connotations which I thought were a bit off... The pack came with nipple pads... okay, they will come in useful... laundry tablets, I suppose there will be a lot of dirty clothes... Hmm... a can of diet coke with a voucher exclusively for another diet coke. Then pow! -a pamphlet on life insurance!? So, the general consensus is that when I have my little one I will turn into a leaky, fat, housemaid who should start planning their death... Charming!

I was hoping for some samples of baby lotion, advice on healthy eating, happier sort of stuff, the odd promotion-rubbish, but generally I hoped things like this would be a celebration of mum finally meeting baby. There was a pack within the pack for the baby which came from Pampers which will come in useful, wipes and newborn nappies, that sort of thing... But still, it's called a 'Mum-to-be' pack.

The reason to why I am writing this up on here, is that I usually find that pregnant women do have things mentioned and said to them in passing which wouldn't when not pregnant, it would be seen as rude and unseemly. Not to mention these packs are handed out within NHS hospitals (also Sainsburys and Boots). We should be encouraging women to relax with their bodyshape during this time, altered or not. We should be encouraging women to apply a new routine with their child which does not include just cleaning and weight loss. Also, what about the men? The men could benefit from nappy rash cream too! - they will have to learn at some point so why are these packs and vouchers pushed out to the women.

This slightly relates to why I started this blog in the first place, as I read pregnancy magazines I found them more and more pushy. When writing up my baby shopping lists I found it difficult to differentiate between things I needed and things that they told me I needed. As a first time Mum how can I ever be sure? With these messages how can I feel relaxed or prepared? My answer; stop reading those magazines and talk to women who have done it, speak to anyone in the hospital who will listen or seems enthusiastic about babies (this is not at all difficult to find on an antenatal ward!).

Pregnancy magazines/documentaries/stories usually centre around two things shock and/or aspirational living: 'Look at this poor woman!' or 'Look at this rich woman living it up!'. I would like to see some articles becoming somewhat more humble. I recently saw a documentary on (BBC3 of all places) called 'Cherry is having a baby', it was patronising and a bit rubbish but it interviewed all different types of women from different backgrounds and it made for an interesting narrative. The women who had more in the way of money/career had massive concerns over their body image and changes of lifestyle, whereas younger parents/single mums would remain headstrong and would be very much open to the idea of change. There is a dialogue to be had that would be more interesting to have amongst new mothers and fathers. New found parenthood is tough on everyone, let's not make it worse by singling out women who are already vulnerable to commercial ads.

In any case, I am going off on one. With this I will finish.

The attack of the killer pram! - Parenthood and artistry

I am not exactly the Guardians biggest fan, so I was pleasently surprised to see this article passed onto me by my partner. It's a refreshing piece discussing the realities of making it in the art world after becoming a parent. The article is written by novelist Frank Cottrell Boyce, so obviously its about writing in particular, but the same principles can be translated to all the arts, or even an attitude to life as a nervous parent.
In my household me and my partner both work in creative fields, to work nine to five to fund our lifestyles would feel like more or less giving up... Giving in and by our standards, we would be failing a inspirational good role models for our little un'.
Richard (understandably) wants to support me and our child, to provide for us without worry. I, would also like those things, but only under certain circumstances. Echoing the role Cottrel's wife, I also have only ever wanted my partner to write. For him to make a living from it, anything else is secondary to the bigger picture. I would not be happy to either of us to lose sight of our ambitions, and if we were to what kind of example would that set for our child? In addition to this I think to create and explore new ideas/places with my child strapped onto my partners back would make a wonderful reality for the person-to-be.
The child's presence I believe will encourage us to take our professions more seriously, as I am not only working for me now. We're working for the entire unit. It's going to be incredably hard, but hey, what other choices do we have?

(Pictured above: Artist Barbara Hepworth with child Paul, 1929)

27 weeks! Update!

I am 27 weeks! Not long to go now, this feels all the more real considering David Cameron had his baba today, me and his wife fell pregnant around the same time, so it is a little scary! - Horrifying Torie babies aside I shall update you on the pregnancy niggle front: the 'morning' sickness has pretty gone just gone, or has actually been left to just the morning, thank goodness. I now waddle rather than walk, and I eat all of the time.
Cravings are kicking in now, albeit them ever changing ones. The longest cravings I have had have been Spaghetti hoops and Aeros, not together, I don't really have any exciting stories on that front really. I usualy just prefer really starchy foods like potatos and bananas and insanely fruity drinks. Nothing really exciting like coal i'm afraid - unlike my friend who had a severe craving for bubble bath foam!
Regarding the hoops and chocolate, not sure what defiency that could be highlighting, if any... maybe its that I don't eat enough junk food and my baby is giving me a helping hand.
CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING.

I had a scan last week where they told me I had a lot of placenta, meaning baby is getting a big ol' connection to my blood supply, this has been said in the same fortnight where had had t come in and out of hospital for collapsing. It isn't regular pregnancy fainting spells, either, I lose my vision, get a fever and pass out followed by violently throwing up - We have been in and out of different health services trying to find out the answers but thus far Doctors seem to think I have bad anaemia brought on or exasperpated by the pregnancy. M blood levels were low at the start but it goes to show its got to the point where baby is literally sucking ALL OF MY blood. Cheeky bugger! Thankfully though, everything is fine on the baby front, all tests on the baby have come back more than positive and he is kicking me now, more than ever. [Sigh]

We have had it also confirmed I am in fact having a boy! - something I always had a feeling I would, but now I can stop panicking about all those baby boy clothes and toys impulsivly purchased.
This news has brought on slight anxieties though, I am worried about raising a boy, I know where I am with a girl, but what if my little boy turns into a macho woman hating man, or worse, ANOTHER GAMER? (like his Father) - I don't think I can take another nerd in the house!
How do I keep the balance between keeping an open mind and remaining vigilant with my own views? I am probably getting really ahead of myself, these things, they have a habit of just buzzing around my head at night. It's all just a part of a bigger problem, that I am getting nervous about actually becoming 'a Mother', being responsible for a person and as well as a unit, being a role model, and entertaining another little soul's imagnation till he becomes an independent person...

BUT I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE YET. ARG.

On Sunday I have my baby shower, we are having a Mexican theme, as one of my many cravings have been burritos, this hits two nasty birds with one stone, this way the men can make ridiculously hotwraps and smoke cuban cigars whilst the women get on talking about the horrors of childbirth. Hooray.

T-minus 100 days!

We're due our bundle of joy in 100 days, these are the things still left to do (I will highlight items as they become completed):

1 - Have the baby shower. [COMPLETED]
2 - Write up my birth plan.
3 - Complete house hunt. [COMPLETED]
4 - Have the frightening meet up with partner's mother and discuss parenthood [COMPLETED]
5 - Go to Antenatal classes. [COMPLETED]
6 - Go to Aquanatal classes. [HAVE HAD PHYSICAL PROBLEMS PREVENTING ME FROM DOING THIS]
7 - Learn how to knit (don't just learn how to cast-on then give up).
8 - Sell all the clothes I will no longer be able to fit it/not appropriate for 'motherhood' on eGay. [ONGOING]
9 - Make labour mix tape. It will probably include lots of Brian Eno and none of my partners love for Thin Lizzy.
10 - Agree on a girl's name, just in case it isn't in fact a boy. [COMPLETED]
11 - Move into new place. [ONGOING]
12 - Decorate nursery.
13 - Make plushy toy for child.
14 - Sew a personalised blanket for chid.
14 - Do all that PC muscle stuff. [ONGOING]
15 - Learn how to use and assemble travel system. [COMPLETED]
16 - Have a meeting with midwife over breastfeeding/going back to work. [COMPLETED]
17 - Learn all that crap about sterilisers/powders/warmers, etc. [COMPLETED]
18 - Buy a cot. [COMPLETED]
19 - Apply for maternity grant. [COMPLETED]
20 - Stop worrying!! [ARRGH]

Here comes the fun bit - Nursery inspo!

Baby hamock.

The bednest

A 50's space age stroller.

Vitaminer Ikea curtains.

Eames rocker chair.

Sorry to those who have seen this post before, I accidentally deleted it and have got round to salvaging it. Those on Google reader will not be impressed!

As easy as 123... :/

I have one hundred and twenty-three days left until our child is due, and I still am yet to see how it is possible for a person to come out through my most sensitive and small lady regions.

ARGH!

Strange

Mozart saves premature babies's lives... Well not really.