The four weeks or so before I went into labour all the signs were telling me I was able to pop. All my labour signs came and went, they became more like annoying symptoms of a bizarre illness. I never had anything like false labour and I didn't get contractions that were continuous, I had the odd one before bed, going no-where else. two days before I went into labour I leaked fluid, we went into hospital to be sent home, they told me it was probably stressed incontinence, this annoyed me, because a) I knew it wasn't, b) I didn't like the idea I had been told I basically peed myself in front of my partner. Going home feeling a bit fed up, I gave up entirely on the idea that I was ever going to go into labour, it felt like I had never been pregnant and I was just ill, fat and ill.
Two days later feeling fit to burst, exhausted, grumpy and very 'overdue', I went back to bed, taking a sneaky 1pm nap. Half asleep I rolled over and something felt like it had given away from inside and warm clear water spilled around my knees, it wouldn't stop. I yelled for my partner who came rushing up, and nervously muttered 'my waters have broken', he responded in kind 'Oh, okay then'.
There is something to be said about being overdue, you become aware of every sensation and notice every minor feeling, thinking that is going to lead to the eventual delivery. At this point me and my partner had given up on 'going naturally', I was to be induced 2 or so days from this day. It was a very surreal and yet calm experience going in to the hospital. We both blushed and stepped over each-other whilst over packing our hospital bags. We both told each other it wasn't the 'real thing' and we should be ready to be sent home; it felt like this baby was never going to show itself.
We went to hospital and nothing much in the way of contractions were taking place, the hospital staff examined me and told me my backwaters had broken (which I had never of frickin' heard of) and not my 'normal waters'. I explained I was in there 2 days before as I thought I had been leaking amniotic fluid, turns out I was right and they were initially wrong to send me home.
At this point I was 2-3cm dilated but the 'contractions' started coming on, and as they were busy they thought it was best just to put me on a midwifery delivery unit right away. There I started to get lots of pain, even at this point I didn't know that what I was experiencing was in fact contractions it just felt like an ungodly pain. There was no throbbing, or contraction going on, just all over back pain, it felt like the bones in my spine were being crushed.
On the midwifery unit I was given gas and air, and boy did I love it. I even recall sitting back and asking Richard what the big fuss of labour was about. With this stuff, I was wonderwoman! Oh, how how wrong I was... The nurses offered me a bath, so me and Richard went in there, as soon as I got comfy the contractions started getting stronger, they kicked and moved me in a way you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, then I literally cried out for Pethidine. - I didn't like it much, it took the edge off but my eyes were rolling around in the back of my head. I couldn't focus on what I was doing, couldn't concentrate on the task at hand. I felt similar to when you are overtired and on your way to being 'overdrunk', cross-eyed, dizzy and not having such a good time. I tried going with just the gas and air but it didn't seem to be working any more, at the end of my tether, I accused the nurse of disconnecting the gas from the gas and air supply.My partner tried to console me, I felt bad that it didn't work.
As I opted for pain relief I was taken on to a long stay ward, there, I started screaming for an Epidural. Now, with every contraction I screamed and turned onto my stomach, on all fours. For some reason I literally couldn't bare the pain any other way. It felt like nothing in my life has before and I was close to passing out if not in this position. Turns out, the reason behind all of this was that the baby's, (or rather Elliott's) head was stuck on my spine, it wouldn't budge. I wanted to push with contractions but they wouldn't let me this went on for in total 20 hours from when we went into the hospital. The space between the pethidine wearing off and the epidural being administered was the worst time of my life, up to date but will probably shall forever be. Thinking about it makes me unlikely to have children again. It makes me cringe and cross my legs writing about it.
I was taken to yet, another ward, as the epidural did its thang, there I was lucid, calm, still, making jokes and to be honest, a bit bored. Lots of people came in and checked my lady regions, I soon became accustomed to being poked and prodded. Labour beame all of a sudden very easy.
It wasn't until later I was told that there was evidence to suggest Elliott was becoming distressed, there were fears he wasn't getting enough oxygen. The consultant rushed in, there spending a lot of time with me and the staff, there she scratched the top of Elliott's head to check the oxygen levels in his blood. I was soon ordered to push. Because of the awkward positioning the pushing wasn't working, I was rushed into theatre and there I was numbed for the last time. They said if it didn't work this time I would have to do one the one thing I didn't want and have a C-section.
The staff in the theatre made quips at one another, involving me all the way, I tried to ignore the forceps, they were the most terrifying thing I had seen,, never mind pointed towards my ladyparts! They made a large cut and I lost a lot of blood. I haemorrhaged in fact, these things I only found out afterwards as I physically couldn't feel much from the belly button down. And at this point none of it mattered.
All I really take from that day was seeing what seemed like a million pairs of hands whirling this small lump towards me, his wondering eyes were like shiny pennies; they pierced through numerous gangly limbs. They passed him over, it seemed to take for hours, all I could say was 'Oh my god, oh my god... Oh, my god'. He was placed on my chest and I turned to my partner and tried to conjure up something different to say 'we finally did it' soon came out.
Going through labour has been the strangest most surreal thing to happen to me, I would like to say that it feels natural, but it hasn't. From the moment Elliotts warm head was plomped onto me I have been in a state of shock, my head was forced up into the clouds. I can't get my head around that my partner and I 'made' someone.
Richard, the other half, says it feels strange to him that we have 'named' someone, and that people already come with a name, an introduction. But with him that hasn't happened, we are making choices for him. I find that terrifying, and 6 weeks on not much has changed from that.
I hope I am good enough, I worry every day and night I won't be, I am in a constant state of numbed panic and alert. But I guess that's an evolutionary tool or something, with every cry comes a trigger, a thought that I am not cut out for this. In in the initial stages of motherhood I thought this would pass, it hasn't, I just worry about his future more rather than the present.
My heart goes out to single mothers/fathers, I have no idea how they do it. Hats off to them! Without my Richard I would be a tiresome nervous wreck, he has taken to fatherhood like a duck to water, in fact I am rather jealous! He has helped me to be less hard on myself, its tough to take motherhood calmly when the whole world tells you not to. If I were to give out advice to parents to be, it would be to take one day at a time, set your own pace, and as my partner says to me frequently, you aren't doing anything wrong! This is just completely new, enjoy it!
Elliott Ian Madigan was born at 10:43 on 27th, November, 2010. Weighed at 7.9 Lbs.
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